The latest news

Infertility robs so much from you. There are many days when I wish I could go back to the innocence of just ditching the pill to try to get pregnant. We have had positive betas that lead to miscarriage. We've had positive betas that lead to 8 wk sonograms that lead to a d&c. We've had plenty of negative tests too. It has all taught us one thing...to be extra cautious and pray like crazy.

Another thing we were robbed of was "surprising" the grandparents and family with the news of a pregnancy. Infertility forced us to be honest and let people know what was going on because we needed the support.
In all honesty we would have been lost with it. With Lillian we were unable to keep our pregnancy a "secret" so our big surprise for the family was her gender. It was fun for us to know a few weeks before them.

It was never my intention to not share everything immediately regarding our latest cycle. I hope after reading what's above you will have some insight into our reasons.

We are pregnant! We have survived 2 betas, a sonogram, our first OB apt and even got to surprises my family at Thanksgiving.

We are still not ready to go "public" with our news as there are still people we want to tell in person. We will be telling Joel's family at Christmas when they are here (so don't spill the beans Ohio folks). After we tell everyone we can in person we will make it public knowledge. However, I felt as though you all deserved to know what's going on since you've had a vested interest in our journey.

Thank you all for the support, continued prayers and love. We can't wait to share baby Cramer #2 with you all in July.

Found my verse

Anyone who has been with us on this journey from day 1 knows what a roller coaster I've been on emotion wise. Right before cycle #3 (Lillian's cycle) I was at such peace with whatever the outcome was. Obviously it worked out for us. During that cycle I claimed my verse Philippians 4:6 "Don't worry about anything. Instead pray for everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace which exceeds anything we can understand."

As I think about all we've been through prior to this cycle I can't help but be in awe of how God hand is in everything. It took months (okay years) but i can honestly say I'm at the exact place emotionally as I was before cycle 3. I'd love for it to work out again but if it doesn't I know we'll be okay. God will still be good. L will be fine as an only child. We will continue to have peace.

Today I ran across a verse from Daniel 3:12. All I could think was that's my verse!!

He has never failed me and will not fail me through this cycle. I'd love to be pregnant again, I'd love to give L a sibling, I'd love to add to our story but if none of that happens I'm at peace. I'll trust in His plan for if not He is still good.

BFN

aka Big Fat Negative in the infertility world

aka We are not pregnant

Still not sure how I feel. I think it will take more time to sort out but for now here are some thoughts.

Frustration: why can't having a family come easy for once? Why is my body so dysfunctional? Just why in general.

Sadness: I really already grieved for this cycle the Friday we got a lousy report from the lab. I was hopeful after the transfer but seeing the embryos I knew they weren't anywhere near what they were for L's cycle.

Anger: not yet. I'm sure the next pregnancy announcement or next teen mom I see will trigger this.

Future: not sure what that looks like for us. All we know is we are taking a break until we get closer /back to TX. Adoption? Foster to adopt? IVF? Only child? only God knows.

Prayer requests: For peace, contentment, clarity for next steps

Please don't shy away from contacting me or asking questions but at the same time understand I may not be ready to talk. Thanks to you all for supporting us. Much love!

The business of miracles

Last week, I attended a bible study with a friend and we did a lesson on Jesus and the feeding of 5000 and him walking on water. Through discussion one of the ladies said, "God is in the business of the absurd". That stuck with me and throughout this week I've been praying for an absurd miracle.

One problem with doing IVF so many times is knowing the odds of having quality embryos on day 5. After talking to the lab on Friday, I was fully convinced we would not be doing a transfer today. It did not look good at all.

We got a call this morning to come on in for a transfer that we had 2 decent looking embryos. I was shocked. We had to wait a bit (which is torturous with a full bladder) and by the time we got back for the transfer they were looking even better. Dr. B even commented several time that he didn't expect to see me based on the Friday report and that he was very pleased with how the embryos looked this morning.

Whatever happens this cycle is out of my control and has been the last five days. However, it's almost like I needed it to truly realize just how much I need God. I know he will carry us through whatever the outcome, but in the meantime I'm continuing to pray for the absurd. I hope you will join me too.

Bad news

It's not looking good. We may not have any to transfer Sunday. I won't know until they call that am. So frustrating since there seems to be no reason they are doing so poorly. I hate infertility!

Pray, pray, pray

I just talked to the lab and it's not good news. Out of 23 mature eggs only 5 fertilized (really low #). There is no explanation they could find. However, we have 5 and it only takes one. Pray they look really good on Friday.

Easy peasy

Everything went great this morning. We got 26 eggs (yes that's a lot) and I'm feeling really good. We will get a fertilization report tomorrow from the embryologist. We will either have a 3 or 5 day transfer which will be determined then too. I'll update again tomorrow with our report. Until then I'm off to take a nap and rest. :-)