My fears and God's response

On one hand I wish for the naivety of our first IVF round. Back then I was oblivious to all the shots, all the emotions and most of all the fact it could fail. We never dreamed that after spending all the money and expending all the emotions we would still not have a baby.

Fast forward a few years and failure is still one of my fears. I long to experience pregnancy again and to truly enjoy it. I lived in so much fear when I was pregnant with L that I often feel cheated. I didn't relax until month 8.5.

Having said that, failure is not my biggest fear this cycle. When a met with Dr. B a few weeks ago I told him my biggest fear was the hyperstimulation. He promised to do everything in his power to not let that happen again. In all honesty we didn't even have a severe case but were very close to canceling our 2nd IVF. I'm already handing it to God and in response he's started giving me peace. It's all in his hands. Yes, that is a daily reminder I need.

I'm also very nervous about branching out to the new clinic here in MS. The logical part of me knows they are more than capable of monitoring me. However, the emotional part of me is really attached to Dr. B's office and staff. It's a daily battle and I'm slowly adjusting. As a wise friend told me, if you are uncomfortable at any point you can just go to Dallas. So true.

There is so much bouncing through my head. I'd forgotten that aspect of IFV. Bear with me as I continue to sort through it all.

And so we begin again

I've had mixed feelings about coming back to this blog. For one thing I never wanted to be one this journey again. For another I'm not convinced anyone still blogs anymore thus there is no audience. However, it has been nice to look back on our journey to Lillian and I hope one day she will treasure reading about our journey to her.

Having said that, if we are blessed with another miracle I'd like to have the journey documented too. So here goes...

We are doing this. IVF. Again. I'm still not sure how I feel about that but have slowly been working through it. If you remember, we had two frozen embryos from Lillian's cycle. We used those last March and got pregnant. Unfortunately we discovered an empty sac at our sonogram and eventually had a miscarriage/d&c. We took time to regroup and figure out what we wanted to do. It is evident L needs a sibling and we want to give her one. So we opted to do IVF again.

We will stay with our dr in Dallas but will be working with a clinic in MS for the monitoring. That is a whole other story. As of now, shots will begin on Oct. 16 with a retrieval/transfer the first part of November. My goal is to keep everyone updated here as we continue our journey to another little Cramer. It may be raw and it may not be pretty but it will be our journey. Consider yourself warned.


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