Thankful for.....

Just a few things I'm thankful for lately.

1) No pain from the large cysts I developed. The nurse warned me this was very possible since the cysts were large. So far, so good. Hopefully they are shrinking since we are back on the pill for two weeks.

2) Awesome friends (and family) who continue to support and pray for us. You will never know how much each of you mean to us. Someday we will return the favor.

3) Forgiveness. This is a lesson I've had to learn (and practice) a lot lately especially when people say things without thinking. I've learned to step back, take a deep breath, and forgive them. And no, it's not always easy or immediate but I do eventually get there because I've learned if I don't bitterness sets in and I don't like the person that makes me.

4) God's promises that he will never leave us and he will have a plan better than anything we can imagine. I ran across a quote from Mother Teresa the other day and it has stuck with me. "God won't give me more than I can handle...I just wish He didn't trust me so much!"

What are you thankful for? I'd love to know.

Prayer for a Woman in Waiting

I found this online and it seemed fitting. The last line is my favorite. Thought I'd share as food for thought especially since we learned I've developed two cysts again and we can't do another round until next month...

Dear Lord, for two years I have been waiting, and again, the answer is "No." I do not understand why You will not allow me to conceive.

I look around me and I see teenagers with babies...friends who have tried for only one month and are now pregnant...women who "accidentally" got pregnant. Why is getting pregnant so easy for some women and so difficult for me?

I know it is unhealthy for me to compare, but today I need to complain. Will you listen? Must I remind You of my situation daily? What will it take?

I do not understand "Your will." Is it really best for me? I want Your will to include certain things for me. What about those faithful women who are patient and still childless? There are many things I do not understand. Lord, let me not make conception a mission and lose sight of the vision. Please protect me from bitterness, jealousy, and self-pity.

Where would I be without Scripture? Sometimes it is my only comfort. My husband tries to understand, but it's not the same for him. I have friends who hurt for me, but they have not experienced what I have. Thank You. Lord, for Your Word that soothes me.

Sometimes the emptiness and sorrow can be overwhelming. Thank You Lord, that every day is not as difficult as today. I know that You have picked me up more times than I even know. You are doing mighty things for me, even now as I write.

Please be patient with me, Oh Lord. You love me and don't want me to be in pain. Learning patience has been the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn. I fear that, if I haven't become pregnant yet, it may never happen.

I am trying to learn how to be content while I wait, Lord. I am trying to learn about trust. Loneliness cannot stay for long, for You lift my head and fill me with Your presence.

How will I respond if I conceive a child? Will I praise You as much as I think I will? Your gift would overwhelm me. Lord, please use my circumstances to glorify Yourself.

I know that there is but one guarantee. I know that You have promised to bless me.

Quick thoughts

It's not looking good for making it to Monday. We will continue to wait and see....

Check out the addition to the right. You can now sign up to be notified when the blog is updated. I figured it would save you time from checking everyday, especially since I'm not consistent with posting. Please continue to pray for peace and understanding in God's plan for us. It really does help us....

Update....we have another doctor's appointment tomorrow (Thursday) at 8:45 am....Thanks for the prayers. I actually feel at peace knowing it is not our time yet.

Our Journey

Since I have no other news in our wait I figured now was as good a time as any to catch you up on our journey to parenthood.

Just before our 2 year anniversary (May 2006) we decided to officially stop the pill and see what happened. By September, I had not had a cycle for 3 months and decided to see my doctor about it. Keep in mind this was normal for me as I have NEVER been regular. She referred me to an OB/GYN after ruling out pregnancy. I meet with the OB/GYN later that month and after kick starting my cycle we began the clomid regimen. Tried that until Jan. with no success. That is when we were referred to our wonderful specialist. Unfortunately we could not get an appointment with him until March. At that appointment we made a plan to get the family we so wanted. He put me back on the pill to ensure that I would have a regular cycle before we began.

I had my first sonogram in April, only to learn that the clomid had created a large cyst on my right ovary. We were not allowed to begin any meds then and went back on the pill to help shrink the cyst and prevent any new ones from forming. While we were disappointed, there was also a sense of success in feeling we were close to finally getting a child. We also learned that Joel has a fluctuating sperm count so they recommended IUI to help us conceive.

In May, the sonogram revealed that we had no large cysts. We could finally start the drugs. However, they finally got a good look at my left ovary and found a dermoid mass. We were assured that is was probably nothing to worry about as 98% of the time they are benign. We chose to keep an eye on it and if it started changing we would consider removal. So we started a combo cycle of Clomid/Follistim/Ovidril. We did an IUI in May but still were not successful.

This continued in June and July. Combo cycle of Clomid and Follistim/Ovidril shots...IUI...no success. We learned that we would have to take August off because we had completed 3 cycles. We then meet with Dr. Barnett to review our plan and were given two options. We could do an HSG test to make sure there were no blockages and everything looked good or we could do surgery to remove the cyst (which has given me no problems) in hopes that would help. We chose the HSG (and different med plan if it was normal) hoping to find no problems and avoid surgery. Making that decision meant we would go back on the pill and take September off as well.

The HSG came back normal and so we were allowed to begin a new round of just Follistim/Ovidril in October. This meant more shots and more sonograms to closely monitor what was happening. But we were very hopeful. The first cycle was very short and as a result they let us try to get pregnant on our own. What a novel concept that was! In fact it was almost a relief to not include a doctor. We were unsuccessful and tried again in November. Since our cycle fell around Thanksgiving (and we were out of town) they let us try again on our own. Again no success but we felt as though we were making progress because I responded really well to the meds. Since we were doing higher doses, we are only allowed two months at a time. As a result we had to take Dec. off and wait until Jan.

This takes us to where we are now. If this latest round is unsuccessful we will try IUI and another round again. From there the plan is unclear. We hope and pray that we will not have to do IVF but will cross that bridge when we get there.

Even through all the valleys, we have experienced some success and answered prayers. The mass they found has remained unchanged. For us that is good, because for now we can avoid surgery. We have also seen Joel's counts go from low to normal which surprised the doctors. Needless to say, as much as we focus on the negative, we try to focus more on all the positive things that have happened.

As always, thanks for reading and supporting us. We hope this gives you all some insight into our struggles. We are quickly approaching the two year mark of trying to start a family and never in a million years did we think it would take this long. Having said that, we have developed a new appreciation for each other and for the path God has for us. Please continue to pray as we struggle to understand that path and be patient knowing it will happen in His time.

Two Week Wait

Sorry for my lack of keeping you updated this week but it has been a whirlwind of doctor appointments. I went on Wed. and continued the injections until my appointment on Fri. At the Wed. appointment they found 3-4 potential eggs, 9 medium sized eggs and about 15 other follicles. This was good news as I responded really well to the meds again.

At our appointment on Friday, we received news that I had 5 potential eggs and was ready to take the shot to release them. This was actually more than they prefer so we had to consider whether or not to take the chance that they may all fertilize. We decided to go ahead with an IUI on Saturday morning. After all, this is all in God's hands and he won't give us more than we can handle...RIGHT???

So here we are in the abyss of the "two week wait" until our pregnancy test. This is the worst time for me. There are no more appointments to occupy my time and I've never actually made it to one of these appointments. That is my goal this time...to make it two weeks without a period. And yes, I do think about the irony involved in wishing to not get a period when a few years ago I would have wished to get it!

This is where we are now. Hoping and praying that we get pregnant and keeping faith that God knows our plan. Just be aware...if our plan includes multiples each one of you is signing up for babysitting duty!!!

Good News

We got good news at the doctor's office today. It seems as though I'm responding well to the shots. I'm actually ahead of we have been previously at this time. I have another appointment on Wed. morning and will hopefully get a better idea of when we are scheduling another IUI. Will keep you all updated...also still promise the post about our journey thus far. Have a great week.

New Year....New Honesty

Here we are...entering a new phase of life. With the new year it only felt right to start a new blog. This is our journey. Some of you may be surprised to know we have been struggling with infertility. Others of you have been a huge support for us on this journey. It only seemed right to start the new year with a new degree of honesty. Our goal is not to offend anyone, but rather have a safe place to vent our frustrations of this whole process.

Why now?? Several reasons. First the last month has really been a struggle for me. We have encountered many unknowing people asking the questions, "When are you having kids? Why aren't you expecting yet? How long have you been married?...etc". While they mean well it is like a dagger in the heart to continually answer them. We have also encountered more than our share of friends announcing they are pregnant. Don't get us wrong. We are very excited for each and every one of them but again it is a blatant reminder of our struggle. We hope that by being honest, we can help people understand the needs we have and get some knowledge into our reactions.

As this journey continues, the plan is to keep you updated on our doctor visits, prayer requests, and daily struggles. We hope you are willing to support us but if not, we understand that too. Stay tuned for the story of our journey thus far and the many doctor appointments we anticipate in the next two weeks. Until then, please leave us comments and keep us in your prayers.