What you can do

If someone you know is affected by infertility, you may wonder what you can do to support them. I found a really great article that offers suggestions. Please take time to read it.

I will say on a personal note, here are some of the worst things you can say:

"I know how you feel."---Trust me. Unless you've been on the exact same journey as me you have no idea.

"Do you have kids? Don't you know your parents want grand kids?"---Yes, this was really said to my face. Talk about really having to bite my tongue. Fortunately, our parents have been a HUGE support for us and have not pressured us AT ALL. In fact, they will be awesome grandparents when that day comes because of this journey. A thousand times better than the person who said this to me!

"You know to get pregnant you have to do...."---Seriously. I think we all know what needs to be done. Please stop try to educate me. I am probably more aware of the technicalities of getting pregnant than you are!

I could go on and on but you would probably stop reading. So to close on a positive not. Here are some of the best things you can say.

"I'm sending you a invitation to (baby shower, kids b-day, etc). Please know you don't have to come"---Odds are I'll probably show up, but to know that you understand how difficult it may be is priceless.

"Is there anything we can do while you are (taking shots, on bed rest, going to the Dr. 24/7, etc)?"---I'll probably say no, but you might catch me in a vulnerable I need some help phase. Just knowing that you understand the stress created by living around Dr. appointments helps us stay sane.

"We are having girls/guys night. Please come."---Sometimes this is the best escape. And no, I probably won't like questions about our journey on this night. But if I bring it up, indulge me!

And finally, one of the best things you can say:
"We are praying for you."---Sometimes that is all I need to hear. It helps me remember we are not on this journey alone and that people to care about us enough to remember us in their prayers.

Did you know??

Did you know infertility affects over 7 million people? Did you know that averages out to 1 in 6 couples? Did you know it not only affects those 7 million people but also their friends, families, co-workers, etc.? Did you know we will all be touched in one way or another by infertility? Think about it.

I have read many good books on this journey. One of them welcomed me to the "club" no one wants to be a part of. It made me think of all the times I wished to be part of this group or that group in my life only to find out that God had grander plans. I often think of what would happen if I had the option to opt out of the infertility club. Would I do it??

At first the answer seems easy. Of course I'd take off running as fast as I could and join the land of the "fertile". However, the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I'd be giving up to have not walked this journey.

Don't get me wrong. This journey stinks!! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But the reality is I'm here and I should make the best of it. I love that I have drawn closer to God, to my family, to my friends, and even to my co-workers. I have developed a new sense of openness with people. I love that Joel and I have a deeper sense of the "for better/for worse" part of our vows. I love that we are walking this road with so many people supporting and loving us. These are the perks of being on such a tough journey.

My goal for this week is to share information with you about infertility. I hope you will check back and continue to pray for and support all 7+ million of us along the road of infertility.

National Infertility Awareness Week

It only seemed appropriate to acknowledge this week. I will be posting some stats/suggestions throughout the week. Please stay tuned.

Changes

Yup, I got tired of the format for the old blog so I decided to do something new. I hope you like it.

Just thought I'd check in and let you know everything is well here. We are getting settled into both of us working again. That means we hardly see each other (except for the weekends which we live for)!

We are still taking one day at a time knowing that God has the perfect plan for us. We continue to feel very blessed by all the prayers and support and hope that you continue this journey with us. We will periodically keep you updated until we start IVF again. Please continue to pray for us and for others on the journey of infertility.

Only He Knows

We are back from a fantastic vacation full of resting, reading, eating and just enjoying God's fantastic creations. It did my soul good!

We came crashing back to reality with a doctor's appointment last Friday. I was terrified going into the appointment because I didn't know what to expect. However, once Dr. B came to get us and walk us back to his office I had a sense of peace. Thank you all for the prayers!

Our meeting went well. We were told that everything on paper shows we should be pregnant. Dr. B had no explanation for us and apologized for it. We know that it is beyond his control (and ours) and that only God knows why we continue to defy science. We were strongly encouraged to try IVF again. In fact, Dr. B assured us his job was to tell us when it was time to stop. That was a relief to hear but was frustrating as well. We will indeed try again but will not be doing so until after the new year for financial reasons. That stinks but we celebrate in the fact that we learned from this last cycle and can make adjustments in the next.

We also made the decision not to go make on the pill (so technically we could get pregnant before the next IVF round which truly would be a miracle!!) We will be cycling on Provera and trying a new drug regimen that could potentially help with my Polycystic Ovaries (I have a mild case of PCOS so we are not sure if the drugs will help). I will have some lab work done in October to see if the drugs are helping and we will meet again with Dr. B in December to make our next plan. Until then it is all in God's hands so we are leaving it up to Him.

Thank you all for the continued prayers. We could not have made it this far without them. Please continue to pray for us. Specifically, that the new drugs will help with the PCOS and that we take comfort in following God's plan for us.

Day by day

This is how we are taking life lately. We appreciate so much the numerous cards, emails, and prayers that have been sent on our behalf. We are humbled to have so many people who care so deeply about us.

I just wanted to let you know that we are leaving tomorrow for our long awaited trip to Cabo. The one nice thing about not being pregnant yet is that I can enjoy the all-inclusive environment and activities.

We also would like you to know that we are meeting with our doctor again next Friday at 11:30. Please pray for us as we enter this meeting. I'm terrified of what options we have left and would covet prayers for my peace of mind. We will update you again after that meeting.

Again, thank you all for your support and prayers. We serve an awesome God who has surrounded us with fantastic people. Blessings to you all.

Hiatus

We will be taking a hiatus from the blog. We learned today that we are in fact not pregnant. We will be meeting with Dr. B in the next few weeks to decide our next course of action. Please pray for us as we digest the new information. For now, please do not call (emails would be great). We need time. Thank you for understanding.

Freedom

That's right. I'm free from the confines of the couch!! Yeah! What have I done you ask? I started off the adventure by convincing Joel to take me into town last night for ice cream. Yes, we had ice cream here, but I really needed to get out. It was great. Then this morning, Woody got sick all over the wood floor and so I got to clean up dog vomit. Fun stuff! Maybe he is just preparing me for what could come. And finally, I had time to scan the picture of the embryos. Everyone together now, ...OOOOHHHH....AAAAHHHHHH....how cute! :)



The one on the left is actually the better looking of the two (according to Dr. B). I of course can tell you nothing about them because the embryologist was speaking Greek to me. It is odd to be handed a picture, given a description in medical jargon, and then asked "Do you have any questions??" You just want to say, "Of course I have questions but none of them will make me look educated or make up for the fact that I'm looking at my babies for the first time." What you really say is, "Nope."

So here's to hoping and praying for these guys to break out and stick. It is such a surreal experience to walk around knowing you really might be carrying around a kid (or kiddos). We can't wait to learn our results and share them with you!

This stinks!

That's right, laying around when you feel perfectly fine stinks! I hate not being able to shower, get my own food, or just walk around outside and get the mail. It just plain stinks.

On the same topic of stinking, we learned this morning that none of our embryos met the criteria to be frozen. That stinks too. While we trust the professional opinions of the doctors, we are still frustrated and disappointed. The only good thing is that we didn't have to shell out more money right now.

One more thing that stinks lately, is a very dear childhood friend miscarried this week. This really stinks! I can't imagine walking in her shoes and wish I could give her a big hug across the miles. She and her family have constantly been in my thoughts and prayers. I know they would appreciate your prayers on their behalf.

Having said all of this, here is the one thing today that doesn't stink:

Jeremiah 29:11

I'll show up and take care of you as I promised
and bring you back home.
I know what I'm doing.
I have it all planned out -
plans to take care of you,
not abandon you,
plans to give you the future you hope for.

I just can't argue with that!

Home again

This will be short because the wireless is acting up. We had a good transfer today (or as Dr. B said really good cycle and perfect transfer). We put back 2 embryos (and got a picture of them I'll post once I'm off bedrest). We will hear from the lab tomorrow if there are any viable enough to freeze. I really hope there are because I'd rather do 5 transfers than 1 retrieval!! Pray this is the case. Words can't express how grateful we are for each of you and know we thank God daily for your support. We hope to be able to share some good news with you soon. Until then, look for my ramblings from the couch!!!

Survival

Well, it had been a day of firsts. I had my first adventure back into "real" clothes and into town for lunch. It was nice to get out but even better to get home back into my "comfy" pants. I'm just not cut our for real clothes and extended periods of time yet. Maybe soon!

Yesterday also marked our first day of estrogen shots. These are the ones Joel has to give me. The good news is we survived!! Joel is such a trooper and I'm sure never thought this is what he signed up for in the "for worse" part of our vows. I'm sore today and am sporting a nice needle mark but as our nurse pointed out..it's for a good cause.

We also talked to the lab this morning. Joel is celebrating his first Father's Day as the proud papa of 9 healthy embryos. He can't wait to brag about it either!! We learned the rating of the remaining embryos: 3 excellent, 1 good, 5 average, 2 poor, and 2 very poor. The ratings are based on how the cells are looking as they divide. Basically we are pleased to have the 9 at or above average. These are good numbers. Our prayer is that they continue to divide and are all still healthy and viable on Tuesday. Please join us in these prayers.

We also got our marching orders for Tuesday. We are to be at the hospital at 11:45 for our transfer at 12:45ish. It will take about 15 minutes for the transfer and then 1 hour of being flat on my back before we are released. Before the procedure, we will meet with Dr. Barnett and the embryologist to learn about the remaining embryo quality, determine how many embryos we are placing and to make any other needed decisions (such as freezing them). We are excited because Joel actually gets to go into the OR for this procedure. Imagine that....we are in the same room to make a baby!!

Please continue to pray for what God has in store for us. We hope this long road is winding to an end and we are embarking on another new journey to parenthood. We will continue to update you and I'm sure I will be attached to my laptop once the bedrest begins!!

Lucky Number 13

Everything went well yesterday. Even though I'm in more pain than I anticipated, we are excited and in awe at the results. I just got off the phone with the lab this morning. Yesterday, they were able to extract 32 eggs (thus the amount of pain) and they were able to fertilize 17. When they checked them this morning, 13 eggs had fertilized normally, 3 were abnormal and 1 did not fertilize. Yes, these are daunting numbers but we are very excited that the procedure went so well and we have great results. Definitely got our moneys worth yesterday! We will not talk to the lab again until Sunday morning and will be back at the hospital on Tuesday.

In the meantime please pray for the embryos to continue to divide and be successful, for us to make decisions pleasing to God, for the procedure Tuesday to go well, and for us to have embryos viable enough to be frozen so we don't have to do this again any time soon. As always, we thank you for walking this journey with us and will update you as we know more.

Or Not

I just got off the phone with the Dr. office and it seems as though my blood work is pushing us ahead in this process. We are now scheduled for a retrieval early Thursday morning. We will be at the hospital at 7:15 and will be there around 3 hours. It is quite daunting to think that we have actually arrived at this crossroad. If you would like to learn more about what will happen on Thursday click here.

Please pray as we reach this milestone. Specifically pray for a smooth procedure with no complications, many healthy and viable eggs, good fertilization, and for all of the staff (including Dr. Barnett) to do what they do best. We will update you again on Friday as we learn more about the number and viability of our embryos.

Thank you in advance.

Still Growing...(Part 2)

We are still growing the eggs. The doctor lowered my dose yet again for the Follistim tonight and wants to see me again in the morning. They will measure the eggs one last time, and pre-op me. It is looking like Friday is the day but we will let you know for sure tomorrow. Just one more reminder that God is still in control.

Still Growing

Our appointment went well again this morning. I am still responding well to the Follistim and they lowered my dose again to encourage some of the smaller follicles to catch up to the larger ones. It is daunting to see 25-30 potential eggs on the sonogram screen (even knowing that only about half of them will be considered mature). We have another appointment on Tuesday morning and will hopefully be getting our go ahead for IVF. It is looking like Thursday may be our day for retrieval but we will keep you posted after Tuesday. Keep praying, as God is listening and responding.

The Countdown Begins

Well, school is out for the summer and I enjoyed my first day of summer vacation by waking up early to go to the doctor. Wahoo!

We had a good appointment. I'm responding well to the Follistim shots and we expect to have the ideal number of eggs (10-12) for retrieval. We go back on Sunday morning for another sonogram and will be planning the retrieval for next week. I'll keep you posted.

The shot are getting harder and harder to take as the higher doses cause me to bruise. I'm quickly running out of places on my abdomen to do shots but we are hoping to be done soon. They also lowered my dose for the next two days so hopefully that will help too. I'm ready to be done with this!!

We promise to keep you all updated as we will have lots of prayer requests over the next week or so. For now, please pray that we get through the remaining shots will little discomfort and that they continue to be effective. Thank you all for everything and check back on Sunday!

Blessings

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ... By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
Hebrews 11:1,3 (NIV)

How awesome the quote of the day is one of the verses I have often clung to in this journey!

I have recently started two new devotionals. It never really dawned on me to look for devotionals focused on infertility until I was talking to Cathy (my co-worker) one day and she mentioned her devotional focused on battling cancer. It was like God hit me on the head and said "DUH!!". So thanks, Cathy, for the idea because I have found two really great resources.

In reading the devotionals this weekend, I came away with two key things. One, to give myself the right to say no to events and not feel guilty. I actually did this over the weekend and it felt great to make a decision that benefited me instead of one that would have stressed me out. It wasn't easy to not feel guilty but every time a negative thought came in my head I would push it out and move on. Needless to say, I feel great about my decision. Who knew!

The second idea I came away with, was letting people know specifically how they help you through the journey. I had the pleasure of spending an evening with a dear friend this weekend. We ate dinner with our husbands and then went back to their place for conversation and a board game. All I can say is it refreshed my soul to spend time with them. It was the first time in a while I truly laughed from my soul about our journey and just life in general. You see, my friend "gets it". This is some of what she understands:

my need to be treated the same as before I was "infertile".
my need to laugh, cry and yell all at the same time.
my need to be listened to.
my need to be angry at God in one breath and in the next praise Him for the journey.
my need to never be told "I know what you are going through".
my need to have choices about going and doing things that my be painful.
my need for a short note just saying, "You are on my heart lately".
my need for advise only if I ask for it.
my need to hear that this journey isn't fair, but here we are and we must make the best of it.
my need to laugh about all the stupid/hurtful things people say and do throughout the journey.

I never in a million years could do this journey without people like this. I thank God daily for placing me around such amazing supportive people. We are truly blessed!

One Down...

and countless more to go. Shots that is. We got the green light today to go ahead and begin the meds to do IVF. I started the Lupron shots. So far I've decided that if the hot flashes continue, I'm boycotting menopause! Yup, that's right. One shot and I'm already getting the side effects. This can't be good! Maybe Joel will finally be happy because I won't be complaining the house is like Antarctica. I will do the Lupron shots until I'm told to stop and will be adding Follistim shots in the next two weeks. Please continue to pray for our mental well being and for a minimum of side effects from the meds.

Plan B....or not

Before you read, please check out this video. It is the same one referenced in my last post. Your life will not be the same after watching it.

It is pretty obvious why this video speaks so closely to me. After all, this whole entire journey is my "Plan B". In my head, we were never supposed to travel this far down the road of infertility. It was never supposed to take this many doctor visits, this many shots, this many prayers, this many emotional roller-coaster rides. To me, this all falls into Plan B. However, for God this had always been "Plan A". He knew way ahead of time this would be our journey. He led us down paths that would prep us for the long journey to parenthood. He paired Joel and I together so that we would financially be able to manage IVF. This has ALWAYS been His plan. He knows the perfect time, the perfect day to give us the addition we want so badly. This knowledge doesn't make it easy, but it does make it worth sticking to.

We are passing a milestone today. Today marks the first year anniversary of our very first shot of infertility drugs. You may wonder how I remember this. It really is quite simple. We were in the parking lot at Fair Park ready to go in and see "Wicked". I'd been dying to see the play and we had bought tickets in January. Little did we know then we'd be sitting in the parking lot administering shots. Funny how a year later we are just finishing up our prep and classes to proceed with IVF.

Speaking of prep, we have completed our orientation class and have learned that I will be taking it really easy for two weeks after the procedure. We have also completed our medicine training. Joel seemed a little too eager to learn how to give me estrogen shots! I may be calling on some of you who are more skilled than he if I can't stand having him poke me (or if he is out of town)!! We are now waiting for the end of May. Since we are trying to time IVF for when I'm out of school we will not begin doing anything until the end of May. That means we will be looking at doing IVF around mid-June.

It is very hard not to get our hopes up and I know that will only get harder. So until our next update, please pray that we will find peace in knowing God is walking with us and has the perfect "Plan A" set out before us. Have a great week and until next time...God Bless.

It Makes You Think

This is a story I have been following lately. There is a link to a great video about their story. It is long but well worth the time. I hope it moves you and makes you think about all of your relationships, especially the one with God. Enjoy and look for an update this weekend.

Answers

First of all, my apologies to anyone who called or emailed me in the last month and never got a response. Let me just say that life/work has been CRAZY busy. Not that this justifies my lack of response I just hope you can understand.

Since I last posted a lot has happened. We met with Dr. Barnett over spring break and discussed our plan for IVF. We will be starting the process in May and until then will do some pre-IVF appointments and orientation.

One of these appointments happened on Friday. They did a saline sonogram (which is much like an HSG in that they insert a catheter to get a look at the uterus). It is not fun especially when the catheter slips out and they have to insert it twice! Nevertheless, I was glad I had taken the day off of work. The purpose of the sono was to make sure my uterus looked normal and healthy. Well....they found an endometrial polyp. Which according to Dr. Barnett, is not a big deal in my case. You see mine is small and is just on the border of being in the wrong place. If it had been shifted slightly to the left, it would require surgery to remove because it would interfere with implantation for IVF. Thank God we do not have to do surgery! This could explain part of why we were unsuccessful with the IUI's. Too bad we took a long way to find another part of the answer.

Our next step in the process will be attending an IVF orientation on April 24th. We find great humor in that we have to be orientated to obtain parenthood. There is just something ironic about that. Honestly, I'm excited to learn about the process and clam the fears of the unknown.

We then go through another medication training May 2. IVF adds two new meds to the round and we apparently need to learn how to administer them. We will start the meds towards the end of May and will be doing the IVF when I get out of school at the first of June.

We pray that this is all we need. We are tired of the emotional rollercoaster and spending all this money to get our dream. However, we are also very humbled that God has given us this journey and we know He will never leave our sides through it. Thank you all for your continued prayers and I will try to be better about keeping you updated.

Until next time....

Dancing with God

This was emailed to me by a very dear friend. I wanted to share it with you all and let you know we are reconnected to the internet. We had a great and promising appointment with Dr. Barnett over spring break. I promise to post all about it in the next week. Until then, know we are well, busy and as always grateful for you prayers!

Dancing With God

When I meditated on the word Guidance,
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.

I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.

The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness
from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw "G": I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i".

"God,"u" and "i" dance."
God, you, and I dance.

As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
that I would get guidance about my life.

Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings
and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.

May you abide in God, as God abides in you.

Dance together with God, trusting God to lead
and to guide you through each season of your life.


And I Hope You Dance!

Signing Out....Temporarily

Just wanted to post one last thing before we pack up the computer. We have scheduled an appointment with Dr. Barnett on Monday at 3:00. I was shocked at how fast we got in (considering I couldn't remember to call until this morning). I guess it helps to have a history of good visits!

Please pray for a productive meeting that is not too overwhelming. We will be discussing the IVF process and will begin to make decisions about our next course of treatment. Hopefully I will find a place with free Wi-Fi to update you all next week on how it goes. If not, please feel free to call. I'm sure I'll want a break from unpacking boxes! Until then...

Mark 10:27

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Mark 10:27 (NIV)

This was the verse of the day today. It was also the day we confirmed we are not pregnant. Before you feel sorry for us, know that we have a great peace that God's plan is just unfulfilled. We actually are ready for a break from the doctor appointments and from having life revolve around what day of the month it is. God does know what's best for us and as much as we don't like it sometimes, it's hard to be truly upset. He has blessed us greatly with a new house, a bonus for Joel that will help pay for 2-3 IVF tries, and surrounded us with amazing, supportive people to share this journey with. So yes, with God all things are possible.

One down...one to go

Weeks that is. We have one more week until we know if the IUI was successful. For me this is the worst week. I almost dread each new day because it could present the news I don't want. Please pray that each day will bring peace and not dread. I will let you know what happens this week.

We are also moving a week from today. AHHHH! We learned that we will not have internet for 2-3 weeks after moving because of how DirectTV sets it up. I will be going through blog/internet withdrawal especially the first week because I won't be at work. Please understand our lack of blogging during that time. If you can't wait that long for information just call us!

Have a great week and keep praying!

He Knows

Somehow God knows exactly what you need when you need it. Check out the Bible verse of the day for today.

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40 (NIV)

All I can say is WOW!!!

Update

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
---Carl Sagan

This was our quote of the day on the other blog. I thought it fitting for today. As always we want to thank you all for the prayers. God is listening to each one. The IUI went well this morning. Joel's counts, while not normal, were improved from last month. Dr. B was pleased and said they were good for an IUI. We discussed this being our last IUI and decided to meet again if we are not pregnant. We have positive thoughts and will definately keep you all updated. Sorry for the short post but I'm off to lounge on the couch....

A "Gentle" Reminder

Funny how God works. He has taken the opportunity this week to remind me that he is in control. Here's the story....

Sunday night: I'm very stressed out at the thought of final week for Special Events (India) at school combined with at least 3 dr appointments.

Monday morning: On my way to Dr. B's office I get about 2 miles from the house and get a flat tire. Never saw anything in the road but apparently there was a roofing nail. Call to Joel to come help me and call to the dr office to say I'd be there as soon as possible. In the meantime, I had to laugh at God's way of telling me to slow down...the week would be fine. Long story short, we had to call roadside assistance, I took Joel's car to the dr appt. and took 1/2 day off work. The appointment went well, two potential eggs on the left (in the lead) and three more on the right. Another appointment on Wednesday. Cool b/c that means probably another IUI on Saturday. Wrong!!

Wednesday morning: Go to appointment to learn that the follicle on the left (with the mass) really took off and is large enough to be released. I was surprised to say the least (because they decreased the meds to make sure I didn't grow too quickly). Guess I'm missing final day for special events. Oh well!

So we will go in Friday morning at 10:30 for our last IUI. We only have one egg (but one is all you need) so our prayer for Friday is that Joel's counts are high. Please pray for this as it increases our odds of getting pregnant. We then wait for two weeks and potentially find out if we are pregnant the day before we move. Don't good things tend to come in threes? No final day for India, move to a new house, become pregnant.....Hmmm.

Yay God!!

We received great news today at Dr. Barnett's office. The three cysts resolved themselves! We are able to start a new round of meds. Of course this means shots every night for at least a week but hopefully it will work this time. God does listen and answer prayers!

As I mentioned before, this is probably our last try at an IUI. We will meet with Dr. B and decide what to do next and when. Please pray for the following things over the next two weeks:

1) That God's plan will continue to be made clear to us. While we hope his plan has us getting pregnant this month we are well aware that our timing is not always his.

2) Knowlege for our medical staff as they guide us on this unpredictable journey.

3) Peace. This is a stressful month at work for both Joel and I. We have hardly spent time together this week and next week doesn't look promising either. We definately need some peace in the decisions we are making.

4) Finally, pray for all of our friends and family. Specifically that they are able to continue supporting us in small ways. We must keep in mind this journey not only affects us but all the people we come in contact with.

That's all for now. We are dosing up on the hormones this weekend and will go back on Monday for another sono to check things out. Until then, I appologize (especially to Joel) for anything irrational I say or do!

Prayers Needed....

Hello all! Just wanted to give you a quick update. I have an appointment on Thurs. morning for another sonogram. Please pray that the cysts have shrunk and we can start another round of the injectable meds. This is probably our last round before we consider IVF as we need to save some money and meet with the docotor again. I will let you know what happens on Thursday. Until then...

Perspective

I think sometimes we all need a lesson in perspective. I seem to have gotten my share lately. This is something my mom sent me on email a while back. It really made me think and I felt it should be shared with you all. Sorry if you've already seen it!

I think we all can relate to this story! Take time and smell the roses people before it's too late! Something to think about! Enjoy your Saturday. The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with somethingabout 'a thousand marbles.'

I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say 'Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital' he continued. 'Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.' And that's when he began to explain his theory of a 'thousand marbles.'

'You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years. 'Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part. It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail', he went on, 'and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.' 'I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.'

'Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.' 'Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.'

'It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!' You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about.

I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. 'C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast.' 'What brought this on?' she asked with a smile. 'Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles.

Thankful for.....

Just a few things I'm thankful for lately.

1) No pain from the large cysts I developed. The nurse warned me this was very possible since the cysts were large. So far, so good. Hopefully they are shrinking since we are back on the pill for two weeks.

2) Awesome friends (and family) who continue to support and pray for us. You will never know how much each of you mean to us. Someday we will return the favor.

3) Forgiveness. This is a lesson I've had to learn (and practice) a lot lately especially when people say things without thinking. I've learned to step back, take a deep breath, and forgive them. And no, it's not always easy or immediate but I do eventually get there because I've learned if I don't bitterness sets in and I don't like the person that makes me.

4) God's promises that he will never leave us and he will have a plan better than anything we can imagine. I ran across a quote from Mother Teresa the other day and it has stuck with me. "God won't give me more than I can handle...I just wish He didn't trust me so much!"

What are you thankful for? I'd love to know.

Prayer for a Woman in Waiting

I found this online and it seemed fitting. The last line is my favorite. Thought I'd share as food for thought especially since we learned I've developed two cysts again and we can't do another round until next month...

Dear Lord, for two years I have been waiting, and again, the answer is "No." I do not understand why You will not allow me to conceive.

I look around me and I see teenagers with babies...friends who have tried for only one month and are now pregnant...women who "accidentally" got pregnant. Why is getting pregnant so easy for some women and so difficult for me?

I know it is unhealthy for me to compare, but today I need to complain. Will you listen? Must I remind You of my situation daily? What will it take?

I do not understand "Your will." Is it really best for me? I want Your will to include certain things for me. What about those faithful women who are patient and still childless? There are many things I do not understand. Lord, let me not make conception a mission and lose sight of the vision. Please protect me from bitterness, jealousy, and self-pity.

Where would I be without Scripture? Sometimes it is my only comfort. My husband tries to understand, but it's not the same for him. I have friends who hurt for me, but they have not experienced what I have. Thank You. Lord, for Your Word that soothes me.

Sometimes the emptiness and sorrow can be overwhelming. Thank You Lord, that every day is not as difficult as today. I know that You have picked me up more times than I even know. You are doing mighty things for me, even now as I write.

Please be patient with me, Oh Lord. You love me and don't want me to be in pain. Learning patience has been the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn. I fear that, if I haven't become pregnant yet, it may never happen.

I am trying to learn how to be content while I wait, Lord. I am trying to learn about trust. Loneliness cannot stay for long, for You lift my head and fill me with Your presence.

How will I respond if I conceive a child? Will I praise You as much as I think I will? Your gift would overwhelm me. Lord, please use my circumstances to glorify Yourself.

I know that there is but one guarantee. I know that You have promised to bless me.

Quick thoughts

It's not looking good for making it to Monday. We will continue to wait and see....

Check out the addition to the right. You can now sign up to be notified when the blog is updated. I figured it would save you time from checking everyday, especially since I'm not consistent with posting. Please continue to pray for peace and understanding in God's plan for us. It really does help us....

Update....we have another doctor's appointment tomorrow (Thursday) at 8:45 am....Thanks for the prayers. I actually feel at peace knowing it is not our time yet.

Our Journey

Since I have no other news in our wait I figured now was as good a time as any to catch you up on our journey to parenthood.

Just before our 2 year anniversary (May 2006) we decided to officially stop the pill and see what happened. By September, I had not had a cycle for 3 months and decided to see my doctor about it. Keep in mind this was normal for me as I have NEVER been regular. She referred me to an OB/GYN after ruling out pregnancy. I meet with the OB/GYN later that month and after kick starting my cycle we began the clomid regimen. Tried that until Jan. with no success. That is when we were referred to our wonderful specialist. Unfortunately we could not get an appointment with him until March. At that appointment we made a plan to get the family we so wanted. He put me back on the pill to ensure that I would have a regular cycle before we began.

I had my first sonogram in April, only to learn that the clomid had created a large cyst on my right ovary. We were not allowed to begin any meds then and went back on the pill to help shrink the cyst and prevent any new ones from forming. While we were disappointed, there was also a sense of success in feeling we were close to finally getting a child. We also learned that Joel has a fluctuating sperm count so they recommended IUI to help us conceive.

In May, the sonogram revealed that we had no large cysts. We could finally start the drugs. However, they finally got a good look at my left ovary and found a dermoid mass. We were assured that is was probably nothing to worry about as 98% of the time they are benign. We chose to keep an eye on it and if it started changing we would consider removal. So we started a combo cycle of Clomid/Follistim/Ovidril. We did an IUI in May but still were not successful.

This continued in June and July. Combo cycle of Clomid and Follistim/Ovidril shots...IUI...no success. We learned that we would have to take August off because we had completed 3 cycles. We then meet with Dr. Barnett to review our plan and were given two options. We could do an HSG test to make sure there were no blockages and everything looked good or we could do surgery to remove the cyst (which has given me no problems) in hopes that would help. We chose the HSG (and different med plan if it was normal) hoping to find no problems and avoid surgery. Making that decision meant we would go back on the pill and take September off as well.

The HSG came back normal and so we were allowed to begin a new round of just Follistim/Ovidril in October. This meant more shots and more sonograms to closely monitor what was happening. But we were very hopeful. The first cycle was very short and as a result they let us try to get pregnant on our own. What a novel concept that was! In fact it was almost a relief to not include a doctor. We were unsuccessful and tried again in November. Since our cycle fell around Thanksgiving (and we were out of town) they let us try again on our own. Again no success but we felt as though we were making progress because I responded really well to the meds. Since we were doing higher doses, we are only allowed two months at a time. As a result we had to take Dec. off and wait until Jan.

This takes us to where we are now. If this latest round is unsuccessful we will try IUI and another round again. From there the plan is unclear. We hope and pray that we will not have to do IVF but will cross that bridge when we get there.

Even through all the valleys, we have experienced some success and answered prayers. The mass they found has remained unchanged. For us that is good, because for now we can avoid surgery. We have also seen Joel's counts go from low to normal which surprised the doctors. Needless to say, as much as we focus on the negative, we try to focus more on all the positive things that have happened.

As always, thanks for reading and supporting us. We hope this gives you all some insight into our struggles. We are quickly approaching the two year mark of trying to start a family and never in a million years did we think it would take this long. Having said that, we have developed a new appreciation for each other and for the path God has for us. Please continue to pray as we struggle to understand that path and be patient knowing it will happen in His time.

Two Week Wait

Sorry for my lack of keeping you updated this week but it has been a whirlwind of doctor appointments. I went on Wed. and continued the injections until my appointment on Fri. At the Wed. appointment they found 3-4 potential eggs, 9 medium sized eggs and about 15 other follicles. This was good news as I responded really well to the meds again.

At our appointment on Friday, we received news that I had 5 potential eggs and was ready to take the shot to release them. This was actually more than they prefer so we had to consider whether or not to take the chance that they may all fertilize. We decided to go ahead with an IUI on Saturday morning. After all, this is all in God's hands and he won't give us more than we can handle...RIGHT???

So here we are in the abyss of the "two week wait" until our pregnancy test. This is the worst time for me. There are no more appointments to occupy my time and I've never actually made it to one of these appointments. That is my goal this time...to make it two weeks without a period. And yes, I do think about the irony involved in wishing to not get a period when a few years ago I would have wished to get it!

This is where we are now. Hoping and praying that we get pregnant and keeping faith that God knows our plan. Just be aware...if our plan includes multiples each one of you is signing up for babysitting duty!!!

Good News

We got good news at the doctor's office today. It seems as though I'm responding well to the shots. I'm actually ahead of we have been previously at this time. I have another appointment on Wed. morning and will hopefully get a better idea of when we are scheduling another IUI. Will keep you all updated...also still promise the post about our journey thus far. Have a great week.

New Year....New Honesty

Here we are...entering a new phase of life. With the new year it only felt right to start a new blog. This is our journey. Some of you may be surprised to know we have been struggling with infertility. Others of you have been a huge support for us on this journey. It only seemed right to start the new year with a new degree of honesty. Our goal is not to offend anyone, but rather have a safe place to vent our frustrations of this whole process.

Why now?? Several reasons. First the last month has really been a struggle for me. We have encountered many unknowing people asking the questions, "When are you having kids? Why aren't you expecting yet? How long have you been married?...etc". While they mean well it is like a dagger in the heart to continually answer them. We have also encountered more than our share of friends announcing they are pregnant. Don't get us wrong. We are very excited for each and every one of them but again it is a blatant reminder of our struggle. We hope that by being honest, we can help people understand the needs we have and get some knowledge into our reactions.

As this journey continues, the plan is to keep you updated on our doctor visits, prayer requests, and daily struggles. We hope you are willing to support us but if not, we understand that too. Stay tuned for the story of our journey thus far and the many doctor appointments we anticipate in the next two weeks. Until then, please leave us comments and keep us in your prayers.