Gut feelings

We got the all clear (kind of) to go ahead and start our lupron today. I say kind of because as of this second the office in Dallas doesn't have the official report from the office in MS. However, I started the meds this am when I was told everything looked great.

This leads me to the title of this post. All along I've just had an unsettled feeling about working outside of our Dallas clinic but could never put my finger in the exact problem. I attributed it to stepping out of my comfort zone. However, after trying to get someone to call me back from their office today it clicked. I'm not really their patient. They don't have to give me top priority.

I'm glad this is happening now instead of later on in the process when I need timely communication to adjust doses of meds. I'm trusting my gut with this one and committing to as few appointments as I can here in MS. I'm headed to Dallas the first weekend of Nov. Hopefully that means 2 monitoring appointments max. I can't take this additional stress. Please pray this all gets worked out and easier.

In other good news, we got everything worked out with insurance and our meds. $200 later we are the proud owners of this:

Don't get too jealous. :-)

Thanks for all the prayers. Now just start leaving comments so we can show future baby how many people we have in our corner. Until next time....

Being honest with myself

We are having issues with insurance and our med order. They are still shipping the lupron tomorrow but we are waiting for it to get resolved before they send the others. Please pray it all gets resolved quickly and smoothly and that they will indeed cover it.

I found this quote today and it really hit home. If I'm really honest with myself I'm scared of three things:
1) This cycle won't work.
2) This cycle will work but we will miscarry again.
3) The cycle will work too well and we will have multiples. :-)

Honestly it's the second option that scares me the most. I'm just not sure I can do that again. That is why the above quote hit home. I'm not willing to repeat the past in regards to negative outcomes. Please continue to pray for peace. I'm struggling again.

One week

That's right. We are one week away from our potential IVF cycle. I go in next Tuesday, October 16 at 8:15 to the clinic here in MS for our lupron start sonogram. Any and all prayers are appreciated. We need a clean sono (no cysts) to start meds. We are not anticipating any problems since our last sono was clean but we've had surprises before. Meds are being delivered Saturday so let's get this show on the road!

I prayed for this??

It's been a rough couple of days in the Cramer house. L has been feverish with lots of snot and whining. We are so blessed that she has never been majorly sick and so far has only been to her dr for well visits. All of that to say I caught myself thinking at one point while covered in snot and dealing with meltdown #500, I waited and prayed years for this?

Why yes I did. I knew motherhood would not be glamorous all the time but I think we all underestimate what it really means. To be honest, when L was a few weeks old and Joel went back to work there were several days I was so overwhelmed. I remember thinking maybe we had made a mistake having a baby. It was hard work! I felt so guilty too because we had waited so long for her. I felt guilty any time I complained about something even though I knew all mothers probably felt frustrated too.

Obviously we survived but those thought still creep into my head. Why are some days just so stinkin hard? And if I feel like this just imagine how frustrated God must be with me at times. There's food for thought.

Not to fear, just when I think I need a break a certain someone looks at me and says, "mommy, hold you". And I cave. Every time. Because you see, I wouldn't trade one second of being covered in snot. I've been on the other side and it's far worse. We are so blessed! Thank you Lord for it all, even the snot!

My fears and God's response

On one hand I wish for the naivety of our first IVF round. Back then I was oblivious to all the shots, all the emotions and most of all the fact it could fail. We never dreamed that after spending all the money and expending all the emotions we would still not have a baby.

Fast forward a few years and failure is still one of my fears. I long to experience pregnancy again and to truly enjoy it. I lived in so much fear when I was pregnant with L that I often feel cheated. I didn't relax until month 8.5.

Having said that, failure is not my biggest fear this cycle. When a met with Dr. B a few weeks ago I told him my biggest fear was the hyperstimulation. He promised to do everything in his power to not let that happen again. In all honesty we didn't even have a severe case but were very close to canceling our 2nd IVF. I'm already handing it to God and in response he's started giving me peace. It's all in his hands. Yes, that is a daily reminder I need.

I'm also very nervous about branching out to the new clinic here in MS. The logical part of me knows they are more than capable of monitoring me. However, the emotional part of me is really attached to Dr. B's office and staff. It's a daily battle and I'm slowly adjusting. As a wise friend told me, if you are uncomfortable at any point you can just go to Dallas. So true.

There is so much bouncing through my head. I'd forgotten that aspect of IFV. Bear with me as I continue to sort through it all.

And so we begin again

I've had mixed feelings about coming back to this blog. For one thing I never wanted to be one this journey again. For another I'm not convinced anyone still blogs anymore thus there is no audience. However, it has been nice to look back on our journey to Lillian and I hope one day she will treasure reading about our journey to her.

Having said that, if we are blessed with another miracle I'd like to have the journey documented too. So here goes...

We are doing this. IVF. Again. I'm still not sure how I feel about that but have slowly been working through it. If you remember, we had two frozen embryos from Lillian's cycle. We used those last March and got pregnant. Unfortunately we discovered an empty sac at our sonogram and eventually had a miscarriage/d&c. We took time to regroup and figure out what we wanted to do. It is evident L needs a sibling and we want to give her one. So we opted to do IVF again.

We will stay with our dr in Dallas but will be working with a clinic in MS for the monitoring. That is a whole other story. As of now, shots will begin on Oct. 16 with a retrieval/transfer the first part of November. My goal is to keep everyone updated here as we continue our journey to another little Cramer. It may be raw and it may not be pretty but it will be our journey. Consider yourself warned.


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Finally....6 weeks later

I absolutely cannot believe how quickly the last 6 weeks have flown by. I apologize for not updating in so long. Hopefully this post will make up for that. :)

We are thrilled to introduce our precious gift from God...

Lillian Reeve Cramer
April 28, 2010
12:27 p.m.
7 lbs. 14 oz.
20 inches

She has changed us forever and made every step of this journey worth it. I wouldn't even trade a stretch mark for her (and I have many!). I'm working on a post of pictures for the last 6 weeks. I hope you come back to enjoy them!