BFN

aka Big Fat Negative in the infertility world

aka We are not pregnant

Still not sure how I feel. I think it will take more time to sort out but for now here are some thoughts.

Frustration: why can't having a family come easy for once? Why is my body so dysfunctional? Just why in general.

Sadness: I really already grieved for this cycle the Friday we got a lousy report from the lab. I was hopeful after the transfer but seeing the embryos I knew they weren't anywhere near what they were for L's cycle.

Anger: not yet. I'm sure the next pregnancy announcement or next teen mom I see will trigger this.

Future: not sure what that looks like for us. All we know is we are taking a break until we get closer /back to TX. Adoption? Foster to adopt? IVF? Only child? only God knows.

Prayer requests: For peace, contentment, clarity for next steps

Please don't shy away from contacting me or asking questions but at the same time understand I may not be ready to talk. Thanks to you all for supporting us. Much love!

The business of miracles

Last week, I attended a bible study with a friend and we did a lesson on Jesus and the feeding of 5000 and him walking on water. Through discussion one of the ladies said, "God is in the business of the absurd". That stuck with me and throughout this week I've been praying for an absurd miracle.

One problem with doing IVF so many times is knowing the odds of having quality embryos on day 5. After talking to the lab on Friday, I was fully convinced we would not be doing a transfer today. It did not look good at all.

We got a call this morning to come on in for a transfer that we had 2 decent looking embryos. I was shocked. We had to wait a bit (which is torturous with a full bladder) and by the time we got back for the transfer they were looking even better. Dr. B even commented several time that he didn't expect to see me based on the Friday report and that he was very pleased with how the embryos looked this morning.

Whatever happens this cycle is out of my control and has been the last five days. However, it's almost like I needed it to truly realize just how much I need God. I know he will carry us through whatever the outcome, but in the meantime I'm continuing to pray for the absurd. I hope you will join me too.

Bad news

It's not looking good. We may not have any to transfer Sunday. I won't know until they call that am. So frustrating since there seems to be no reason they are doing so poorly. I hate infertility!

Pray, pray, pray

I just talked to the lab and it's not good news. Out of 23 mature eggs only 5 fertilized (really low #). There is no explanation they could find. However, we have 5 and it only takes one. Pray they look really good on Friday.

Easy peasy

Everything went great this morning. We got 26 eggs (yes that's a lot) and I'm feeling really good. We will get a fertilization report tomorrow from the embryologist. We will either have a 3 or 5 day transfer which will be determined then too. I'll update again tomorrow with our report. Until then I'm off to take a nap and rest. :-)

Gains and losses

I may or may not have questioned Dr. B's judgement yesterday when I stepped on the scale and saw I gained one pound in 12 hrs. I had also gained 6 in less than a week. All I could think of was how miserable I was on IVF #2 when I got so hyper-stimulated. It's all fluid from having so many eggs but I was really uncomfortable yesterday.

However, this morning after my ovidril shot I'm feeling so much better. When I stepped on the scale I was down 3 lbs from yesterday. It's amazing how quickly things change in a PCOS body. I won't feel fully comfortable until after retrieval tomorrow but I'm so thankful to already have some of the pressure gone.

I'm so excited to see what God has in store for us!

It's time

Updated: retrieval is at 8:30 on Tuesday. We will be there at 8:00. I'm doing my ovidril shot at 8:30 tonight. Let's get this done!

Tuesday is the big day. We will be doing the retrieval that morning. I'm waiting for a phone call today to tell me what time to show up and when to do my ovidril shot. We are going to have a lots of eggs again and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. Everything is looking good though. Our prayers are for a smooth procedure and for strong, healthy embryos. We will know more after Tuesday. Praise be to God we have this opportunity.

Our Journey (A recap)

There are some new readers and I realized it has been a while since I updated the whole story. It has been surreal going back and reading through everything and realizing how much I've forgotten. So this is as much for me as it is for you!

Just before our 2 year anniversary (May 2006) we decided to officially stop the pill and see what happened. By September, I had not had a cycle for 3 months and decided to see my doctor about it. Keep in mind this was normal for me as I have NEVER been regular. She referred me to an OB/GYN after ruling out pregnancy. I meet with the OB/GYN later that month and after kick starting my cycle we began the clomid regimen. Tried that until Jan. with no success. That is when we were referred to our wonderful specialist. Unfortunately we could not get an appointment with him until March. At that appointment we made a plan to get the family we so wanted. He put me back on the pill to ensure that I would have a regular cycle before we began.

I had my first sonogram in April, only to learn that the clomid had created a large cyst on my right ovary. We were not allowed to begin any meds then and went back on the pill to help shrink the cyst and prevent any new ones from forming. While we were disappointed, there was also a sense of success in feeling we were close to finally getting a child. We also learned that Joel has a fluctuating sperm count so they recommended IUI to help us conceive.

In May, the sonogram revealed that we had no large cysts. We could finally start the drugs. However, they finally got a good look at my left ovary and found a dermoid mass. We were assured that is was probably nothing to worry about as 98% of the time they are benign. We chose to keep an eye on it and if it started changing we would consider removal. So we started a combo cycle of Clomid/Follistim/Ovidril. We did an IUI in May but still were not successful.

This continued in June and July. Combo cycle of Clomid and Follistim/Ovidril shots...IUI...no success. We learned that we would have to take August off because we had completed 3 cycles. We then meet with Dr. Barnett to review our plan and were given two options. We could do an HSG test to make sure there were no blockages and everything looked good or we could do surgery to remove the cyst (which has given me no problems) in hopes that would help. We chose the HSG (and different med plan if it was normal) hoping to find no problems and avoid surgery. Making that decision meant we would go back on the pill and take September off as well.

The HSG came back normal and so we were allowed to begin a new round of just Follistim/Ovidril in October. This meant more shots and more sonograms to closely monitor what was happening. But we were very hopeful. The first cycle was very short and as a result they let us try to get pregnant on our own. What a novel concept that was! In fact it was almost a relief to not include a doctor. We were unsuccessful and tried again in November. Since our cycle fell around Thanksgiving (and we were out of town) they let us try again on our own. Again no success but we felt as though we were making progress because I responded really well to the meds. Since we were doing higher doses, we are only allowed two months at a time. As a result we had to take Dec. off and wait until Jan.

We did one last IUI in February and again it was not successful. We then met with Dr. B in March (just a few days after moving into the new house)and decided to move on to IVF. We signed up for the IVF orientation class in April and got all the paperwork and such in order. We then started saving money knowing insurance wouldn't cover it. Orientation in April was overwhelming. We learned a lot about the process of IVF, embryologists, embryos, etc. It is a wonder anyone gets pregnant themselves!We then sat back and waited until May.

Finally May came, and we stared prep for IVF. Shots, shots, and more shots were the daily routine. Lupron first thing in the morning, later to add on Follistim in the evening, to finally have mature eggs to be released by the Ovidril. We then went in for the retrieval and 5 days later the transfer. Two weeks later, we learned we were not pregnant. We were devastated, but decided to try one more IVF in the new year after meeting with Dr. B in July. I also started going to an acupuncture doctor who specialized in infertility in September 2008. (I continued until we got pregnant with Lillian.)

We did IVF round #2 in February of 2009. We got pregnant but miscarried soon afterwards. We then learned we still had fertility coverage and so we decided to try one last time. IVF #3 was in august of 2009. We got pregnant with Lillian from that cycle and also had two embryos to freeze. We used those embryos in a FET cycle in March of 2012 and got pregnant. However, we went for our first sonogram on April 13 and discovered it was not a viable pregnancy so had a D&C a week later.

This takes us to where we are now. We are waiting to finish IVF round #4. We thank God daily that there are people like Dr. B, the awesome nurses, the embryologists, etc. that help people like us for a living.

Even through all the valleys, we are amazed at God's faithfulness and timing. We desperately want L to have a sibling but are enjoying her and praying for God's plan.

We are in many ways honored to share our journey as God never promised life would be easy. He simple promised never to leave us or give us more than we could handle. Yes, God is good and is faithful to his children. We hope you have been as blessed as we have!

Some things never change

My sono went good. I just love the staff at Dr. B's office. I can't say that enough! They are amazing. It's like catching up with old friends every time I'm there. Such a blessing.

Everything looks great. We are on track to have 20+ eggs again for retrieval. Yes, that's a lot for the average patient but actually on target for me. That is why some things never change. :-)

I go back on Thursday am and we will go from there. So relieved to be in TX. It is good for my soul!!

Random thoughts

We made it to Texas. Had an eventful time at the hotel with my parents but got them on the road this morning for two weeks of grandparent spoiling. So thankful to have friends who let us use their laundry room last minute so we didn't have to travel with throw up clothes. Thanks Frilouxs!!!

Shots are going well. Started follistim on Saturday and go for first sono tomorrow. My belly is getting bruised now but it's such a small price to pay.

I've had several people comment that they are reading the blog and finding God speaking to them through some of the quotes I've used. That excites me so much! I truly believe that one of the reasons we are on this journey is to show others that God is in the business of answering prayers. If I'm being honest, I must admit this:

It took infertility to make me learn to lean on God.

Not necessarily proud of that but I've vowed to do all I can in praising Him and sharing our story. Sorry if you ever get tired of it. :-)

Most likely, it wasn't infertility for you but I'd love to know what made you learn to really lean on God.

For grins

I found this picture the other day and it made me smile.

It's a pic of my sweet 3rd grade deaf Ed class when I was pregnant with L. They were sooo excited she was coming. This was a week before she was born and the 3rd graders had a shower for L. They gave her books and cards. It was so much fun.

I laugh at this pic because they were being silly and I'm huge and pregnant. I just love it!

We are in the final countdown to TX. I'm ready to get there and get everything settled. I'll update from the road. Hopefully I can see everyone there that I want to. :-)

Answered prayers

At some point you'd think I'd finally get that God has this all covered. That his timing is perfect and that I shouldn't continue to lose sleep over anything in the process of IVF. You'd think after 6 years and four IVF attempts I'd get that through my head. All I can say is I'm only human.

I talked to Dr. B's office today. We will be starting our follistim shots on Saturday. Yes that is the day I'm going to Texas. Yes that means I don't have to have one single monitoring visit at the clinic here in MS. I'm beyond excited and amazed that this has worked out so well. We will have a sono on Tuesday November 6 and are looking at a retrieval around the 13th. We will know more after the sono. I'm excited to head to TX and get this show on the road!!

So thankful for answered prayers.

Perspective

Wow. I needed a little perspective this morning. Yesterday was a bit rough with a near constant headache and a spirited 2.5 year old. Today is a new day though and I'm determined not to take this journey or L for granted.

I realize we are so blessed to be doing IVF again. There are so many people who don't even get one opportunity and here we are on #4. There are also so many people who would love to have just one child (I used to be there) and here we are hoping for another. I don't want to be ungrateful for what we have or to take any of it for granted. If you ever see me doing that, please remind me of my blessings.

Thank you Lord for blessing us so tremendously. Help us to remember how fortunate we are to be on this journey regardless of the outcome. Help us to live a life satisfied with what we do have. Amen.

What are you taking for granted? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Easier/Harder

Lupron is evil. I'd forgotten just how much. If you want a good read just google it's side effects. Really it's not as bad for me as most people say but I really do dislike it. If I can get by with no hot flashes I'll take the few symptoms I am having. Just a few more weeks.

I've discovered that there are some things that are easier and some that are harder on this cycle. Easier, we have L so not everything rides on us being successful. Don't get me wrong, we really want it to work we just aren't consumed by it. Harder, we have L so things like shots at specific times are harder to remember. After missing a dose I finally had to cave and set a reminder on my phone. I never missed a shot in any of our other cycles so I did open my eyes to how much more relaxed I am overall.

We stop the pill tomorrow and anticipate starting our stim meds next week. Getting closer! We will be headed to TX in two weeks and are looking at three weeks till retrieval. Wow, we are really doing this!!

Finally, something that touched me today. I need to really remember this and put it to practice daily.

Thank you Lord for this journey. We trust in you and praise you for everyone who has supported us and loved us. We could not do it without you!

Blessings in disguise

This.....

really made me think. I took some time last week to read the book I made for L of this blog. I'm so thankful I took the time to document our journey and all of our feelings. I hope someday she will appreciate it too.

Yes, infertility is a bitter trial. I've said before that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but I also wouldn't change our path. You see it really has been a blessing in disguise.

It has taught us so much:
1) how to really depend on one another
2) to be sooo grateful for our amazing friends and family
3) to be better parents
4) not to sweat the small stuff
5) rely on God
6) just enjoy the moment
7) count our blessings
8) share our story

And so many other things. I hope you will take sometime to look at your own life and find the blessings in disguise.

Gut feelings

We got the all clear (kind of) to go ahead and start our lupron today. I say kind of because as of this second the office in Dallas doesn't have the official report from the office in MS. However, I started the meds this am when I was told everything looked great.

This leads me to the title of this post. All along I've just had an unsettled feeling about working outside of our Dallas clinic but could never put my finger in the exact problem. I attributed it to stepping out of my comfort zone. However, after trying to get someone to call me back from their office today it clicked. I'm not really their patient. They don't have to give me top priority.

I'm glad this is happening now instead of later on in the process when I need timely communication to adjust doses of meds. I'm trusting my gut with this one and committing to as few appointments as I can here in MS. I'm headed to Dallas the first weekend of Nov. Hopefully that means 2 monitoring appointments max. I can't take this additional stress. Please pray this all gets worked out and easier.

In other good news, we got everything worked out with insurance and our meds. $200 later we are the proud owners of this:

Don't get too jealous. :-)

Thanks for all the prayers. Now just start leaving comments so we can show future baby how many people we have in our corner. Until next time....

Being honest with myself

We are having issues with insurance and our med order. They are still shipping the lupron tomorrow but we are waiting for it to get resolved before they send the others. Please pray it all gets resolved quickly and smoothly and that they will indeed cover it.

I found this quote today and it really hit home. If I'm really honest with myself I'm scared of three things:
1) This cycle won't work.
2) This cycle will work but we will miscarry again.
3) The cycle will work too well and we will have multiples. :-)

Honestly it's the second option that scares me the most. I'm just not sure I can do that again. That is why the above quote hit home. I'm not willing to repeat the past in regards to negative outcomes. Please continue to pray for peace. I'm struggling again.

One week

That's right. We are one week away from our potential IVF cycle. I go in next Tuesday, October 16 at 8:15 to the clinic here in MS for our lupron start sonogram. Any and all prayers are appreciated. We need a clean sono (no cysts) to start meds. We are not anticipating any problems since our last sono was clean but we've had surprises before. Meds are being delivered Saturday so let's get this show on the road!

I prayed for this??

It's been a rough couple of days in the Cramer house. L has been feverish with lots of snot and whining. We are so blessed that she has never been majorly sick and so far has only been to her dr for well visits. All of that to say I caught myself thinking at one point while covered in snot and dealing with meltdown #500, I waited and prayed years for this?

Why yes I did. I knew motherhood would not be glamorous all the time but I think we all underestimate what it really means. To be honest, when L was a few weeks old and Joel went back to work there were several days I was so overwhelmed. I remember thinking maybe we had made a mistake having a baby. It was hard work! I felt so guilty too because we had waited so long for her. I felt guilty any time I complained about something even though I knew all mothers probably felt frustrated too.

Obviously we survived but those thought still creep into my head. Why are some days just so stinkin hard? And if I feel like this just imagine how frustrated God must be with me at times. There's food for thought.

Not to fear, just when I think I need a break a certain someone looks at me and says, "mommy, hold you". And I cave. Every time. Because you see, I wouldn't trade one second of being covered in snot. I've been on the other side and it's far worse. We are so blessed! Thank you Lord for it all, even the snot!

My fears and God's response

On one hand I wish for the naivety of our first IVF round. Back then I was oblivious to all the shots, all the emotions and most of all the fact it could fail. We never dreamed that after spending all the money and expending all the emotions we would still not have a baby.

Fast forward a few years and failure is still one of my fears. I long to experience pregnancy again and to truly enjoy it. I lived in so much fear when I was pregnant with L that I often feel cheated. I didn't relax until month 8.5.

Having said that, failure is not my biggest fear this cycle. When a met with Dr. B a few weeks ago I told him my biggest fear was the hyperstimulation. He promised to do everything in his power to not let that happen again. In all honesty we didn't even have a severe case but were very close to canceling our 2nd IVF. I'm already handing it to God and in response he's started giving me peace. It's all in his hands. Yes, that is a daily reminder I need.

I'm also very nervous about branching out to the new clinic here in MS. The logical part of me knows they are more than capable of monitoring me. However, the emotional part of me is really attached to Dr. B's office and staff. It's a daily battle and I'm slowly adjusting. As a wise friend told me, if you are uncomfortable at any point you can just go to Dallas. So true.

There is so much bouncing through my head. I'd forgotten that aspect of IFV. Bear with me as I continue to sort through it all.

And so we begin again

I've had mixed feelings about coming back to this blog. For one thing I never wanted to be one this journey again. For another I'm not convinced anyone still blogs anymore thus there is no audience. However, it has been nice to look back on our journey to Lillian and I hope one day she will treasure reading about our journey to her.

Having said that, if we are blessed with another miracle I'd like to have the journey documented too. So here goes...

We are doing this. IVF. Again. I'm still not sure how I feel about that but have slowly been working through it. If you remember, we had two frozen embryos from Lillian's cycle. We used those last March and got pregnant. Unfortunately we discovered an empty sac at our sonogram and eventually had a miscarriage/d&c. We took time to regroup and figure out what we wanted to do. It is evident L needs a sibling and we want to give her one. So we opted to do IVF again.

We will stay with our dr in Dallas but will be working with a clinic in MS for the monitoring. That is a whole other story. As of now, shots will begin on Oct. 16 with a retrieval/transfer the first part of November. My goal is to keep everyone updated here as we continue our journey to another little Cramer. It may be raw and it may not be pretty but it will be our journey. Consider yourself warned.


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